What could have been,

if I didn't let others discourage me.

As I got closer to finishing high school, I dreamt of pursuing my musical career into a popular-music/audio engineering driven direction. I was enamoured by the process of recording an album with the ska band I was in. I loved the energy of shows, of writing our songs, of getting them recorded. I wanted to be in the music industry. I wanted to go to Berklee. I looked up info about the school, info about their jazz and contemporary music focused pedagogy, their audio production programs. That’s where I wanted to go.

But the intensity of the application process, and then the finances scared me off. Or more so, my parents made me feel it was impossible. Taking out massive student loans was not an option. So I might as well forget it. These memories linger now and then, when I see my old trombone case with the Berklee sticker I put on it that I got from their info package. I still dream of doing one of their masters programs in Valencia Spain… maybe, maybe one day…

After returning from an exchange program in Germany, I was already accepted into the Trombone studio for Arizona State University, although I still needed to finish my overall university application. But then I was struggling with reverse culture shock and massive depression from my relationship I had with a girl over the trip ending. Oh also money again. It was too expensive. Loans out of the question. So I went to the local community college.

In hindsight, this move wasn’t all that bad. I liked it. I did still toy with the idea of leaving the US, perhaps I’d go to school in Wales, and major in international relations. After a political science class with a very disgruntled teacher telling us how all the top elites are either the top of companies or the top political positions and they just play musical chairs moving back and forth and nothing changes, got me kinda dissuaded from this idea. Oh, and money. Basically also why ideas of applying to school back in Germany also left my mind.

So many what-if’s. What if I had stayed in Arizona and gone to ASU. What if I had moved back to Germany, or to the UK, or Boston and gone to Berklee?

Do I regret where I am now? My path led me to working in an awesome recording studio in Oakland, CA, met my wife, and eventually my move here to Vancouver, BC, then going back to school, becoming a teacher as I had also dreamt about since I was in 9th grade. I have achieved a lot. It wasn’t what I had dreamt of early on, but it’s still been an interesting ride.

Now I’m sitting in my house, struggling with depressive thoughts, on leave and not working, my relationship future in question, my in-laws hating me, and I’m just like.. why.