Three Months In
My Boobs Hurt
(AI Art - Prompted by Me. “Phínex” is an Original Character / AI Music Artist)
Well, I am at the three month mark since starting HRT. It’s been quite a ride so far, with eventful things related to the transition and adjacent to my own life. Overall the effects of estrogen rising and testosterone falling are more prevalent each day. I’m cold way more often, when I used to be known as a “heat generating factory” by my spouse. Being less sweaty and oily skin overall though is a Major plus to me. I’m not sure if I’ve lost any weight, but my body shape is shifting. Some pants that used to be really tight are fitting better. Although there’s also plenty in the world to stress me out and cause my anxiety to spiral out of control, I’ve been able to hold it together and feel more emotionally stable overall. So overall, I still believe this is the right track and helping me be a better me.
The biggest change (and probably one of the most desired by myself, and nearly all trans women) is chest development! I definitely have breast buds forming, hard sore tissue under my nipples. My chest overall is slowly swelling bigger and my nipples protruding out more. This is an incredibly affirming change, and I am so excited to have my chest keep growing. I wear breast forms daily, which I think help protect me from too much discomfort or accidentally “bonking” into things. I also feel pretty comfortable with how I look and feel when they’re on. So my hope is that my natural chest will at least fill out enough to be similar to the current look. If I gain anymore, that’s of course nice too as I think for my frame and body type, having very large breasts would look proportional to me. But I also already have enough back issues, so I don’t really want to make that worse!
On a bit of a left turn now, I want to discuss my image at the top of this post. I usually use AI to create images reflecting how I feel, or the theme of my posts here. However this one is different. More than just a general image, I’ve been working on developing a sort of alter-ego, a character, that reflects empowerment, feminine energy, trans right, human rights, standing up to authority and oppression. My character “Phínex” is named such for the reference to the city I lived most of my life, as well as the classic myth of a bird being reborn from flames. My character Phínex represents this in my own life, transforming into my new feminine self. In addition to playing with a style and aesthetic I love (if I could hit that ‘magic button’ to not only fully transition but look like her, I’d slap that in a second!) I’ve been developing a musical sound that she represents.
Using the music site Suno, I’ve delved into the world of AI music creation. From playing with random funny ideas, genre blending experiments, to more focused work of writing original and/or altering AI generated lyrics to themes and ideas in my mind. My character “Phínex” is sort of like the Gorillaz, an animated/drawn/AI generated avatar for music I couldn’t otherwise produce or perform on my own, but in a style and with a voice and with text that evokes my emotions and thoughts around social-political issues and trans feminine identity. So the ‘band’ Phínex fronts is an alternative rock 90s tinged ska/punk band. Aggressive guitars/drums/bass, powerful female led vocals, and a blazing hot brass section. Check out Phínex here!
Every day, every week, I become more of myself that’s been lost and buried for so long.