I am a Trans Woman.

My name is Bríanne, my pronouns are she/her.

I started writing this thinking I’d post it for Trans Day of Visibility. I didn’t quite finish/got scared. Well, I’m putting myself out there now…

Hello world! I’d like to start by (re)introducing myself. My name is Bríanne Weingärtner. I recently turned 40 years old, and that milestone along with the tumultuous world we live in today has led to this moment - I am coming out at a Trans Woman. (::cue fireworks and glitter cannons::)

I began my life labeled as a male, because as many others with particular parts between their legs, this is what they call us. My parents named me Brian. I don’t dislike this name, and I’m one to feel connected to personal and family histories, so I have chosen to feminize my given name, with a bit of a twist: Bríanne. Now, the little slash over the “i” is important. It is common in both Celtic and Slavic languages to give the letter an “ee” sound vs the “eye” sound. Plus, I like being fancy. My genealogy on my maternal side is predominantly Irish and Czech, and my moms middle name is Anne, so, I felt this a very fitting way to alter my name. I personally do not resonate with the idea of a “dead name” or “dead self” … the past 40 years as “Brian” isn’t gone and buried. He’s gotten me this far, so I’m just “rebooting” my identity in a way for the next phase of my adult life.

I haven’t always known I was a Trans Woman, but upon looking back, maybe I should have. However in my generation and area of growing up in my pubescent teen years (late 90s-early 2000s Phoenix Arizona) it was very clear in high school that you were a boy or a girl, and default orientation is assumed to be straight. Anyone even rumoured to be “gay” would pretty much try to bury and deny that fact. Bisexual? What’s that?

I wore flamboyant shirts. I cross-dressed a few times for halloween or band camp skits. I felt more emotional and connected to female friends. Felt awkward around most guys in school. Rewind even further, and I wanted long hair when I was a kid. I specifically recall my parents denying this many times. They finally conceded and let my have a very fashionable mullet, just like those nice boys on Home Improvement. I would sometimes shave the sides of it myself too, cause I liked it like that. I was about 30 years ahead of some of todays popular hair styles, totally rocking a lesbian mullet in elementary school.

Physically I have always had long finger nails (like, even if trimmed all the way down they’re long, I’d been told my fingers and their nails are enviable many a time by female friends). Long eye lashes, no mascara needed. I even had breast buds form in early puberty (something I more recently found out DOES happen to many boys) and while I didn’t get full breasts, I did seem to end up with pointy protruding nipples… which caused lots of embarrassment and discomfort for a long time in my life. I’ve wondered if I perhaps am intersex. I haven’t had the testing done to check if I have an extra chromosome or not, not sure if/when I might.

I had girl friends in high school and beyond. I was very romantic and in love with all of them, and had a very broken heart when every relationship ended.

At one point either in my teens or early 20s, I was trying to think and figure myself out. Am I gay, bi, straight? Well, I am really attracted to women and do really like being with girls physically… but then I have these other mental/emotional, and some physical characteristics deemed more feminine by society. “Maybe I’m a lesbian in a man's body!” I thought. This epiphany however was hurriedly suppressed due to its natural and obvious impossibility. Oops.

So moving ahead through my early 20s, a few more failed dating/relationships and I left town to a new place to live. Then I met my wife! Things progressed quickly and we got married, I moved to Canada, we’ve been a couple for for nearly 18 years now.

As time went on, and society progressed, I once again would feel the occasional tug of feeling like somethings off in my life. Not really sure what. Eventually I learned the term gender-fluid, and thought maybe that’s me. Sometimes I feel more feminine, sometimes I feel masculine.

Then the pandemic hit. Like many folks it gave me way too much time to live inside my head and think about myself and life. It also gave me the opportunities to explore new music as I was DJing on Twitch, and really began to resonate with disco and house music. I fell in love with Dua Lipa’s disco tinted “Future Nostalgia” and Kylie Minogue’s more obvious “DISCO” album, both of their virtual concerts they put out were a joyous escape from pandemic life.

When we started going back to work (for me, into a school as I’m a teacher) against all the science and practice of every other profession in the world maintaining distance working…. it ravaged my mind and emotional wellbeing. I also was dealing with a very difficult coworker making my life and program exceptionally difficult in an already difficult time. I started seeing a therapist, and while the main reasons for this were to have help dealing with the crushing depression and anxiety around work, I put that I was “genderfluid” on the intake form.

My therapist wanted to discuss this, of course…. and through our sessions the feelings and thoughts began to finally materialize that the constant buzz of being uncomfortable in my own skin and unable to live as my true self were raising my unstable feelings and anxiety to a level that were then amplified that much more by all the BS I was dealing with at work. She really helped me work through a lot and finally be able to admit to myself that I’m not simply genderfluid, but that I am a Woman.

When I said those words out loud, it was so amazing. This dark cloud of not knowing why I constantly feel frustrated with myself and life began to clear up.

But I had another problem. I was deathly afraid of talking to my wife about this. Eventually, I felt so stuck, I think my therapist sort of pushed me out of the nest recommending I see someone else…. which I didn’t… and so I went back to trying to bury the thoughts and feelings for a few more years.

Occasionally it’d bubble up, like on Trans Day of Visibility, or Pride, or anytime there’s anti-trans/LQBTQ2IA+ hate in the news. This would make me frustrated, distant, angry, agitated, more depressed and anxious. My wife knew I’d be feeling off but I’d deny or blame it on something else.

Then this year things changed. The Orange Menace was elected. I turned 40. I’d see women on Reddit who’ve progressed so much in 2-3 years, and I’d think if I’d come out then, I could be there now too…. but I’m not, I’m still stuck in this man body living a man life. And I saw a post somewhere where they said they didn’t just start becoming a woman, they stopped pretending to be a man.

This was the final crack in my shell. I need to stop pretending to be a man. That’s what I feel like I’ve been doing most of my life. Trying to hide and cover up any feminine characteristic, whether mental emotional or physical that I saw in myself. I’d be petrified of people thinking I was a woman. I had to TRY to be a man. I had to Pretend to be a man.

I’m done pretending. It’s time to let the real me live.

I never had any example of a queer person (that I knew of) growing up. I didn’t know trans people even existed. I’d heard of “sex changes” happening, but didn’t really think much of it. As an adult, and particularly as a teacher, I am so inspired by the kids today who are able to live more freely in expressing their sexualities and/or gender identities. They inspired me to move towards being myself. They inspire me to be the true me, to be an example for any child out there unsure of who they are.

Teachers do not “indoctrinate” kids. I’m not going to go try to turn all my students trans. If you’re someone with that mindset, first of all why are you on my SubStack anyway…?? But really what I want, I want kids to know they can be whoever they know they are in their own minds and hearts. It’s ok to be your true self, and you can be a successful adult as a queer/trans person too. I want to be the example I never had.

I’ve wrestled with these thoughts and feelings long enough, that I know they’re not going away. It’s time to embrace and live out loud as the real me.

I am Bríanne, my pronouns are she/her. I am a Trans Woman.